The stage lights are blinding. The steady throb of music in the background seems to put the audience in a mild trance, as they wait for the contestants to walk the ramp. The countdown to the Annual Micro Penis Awards has been a long wait, but one thing that we can be sure of is that nothing we will see tonight will be nearly as long.
The announcer ushers in the first finalist, a middle-aged man, strong, silent and tall, who walks purposely up the ramp. The crowd erupts in applause - - he's wearing nothing but a thong and there's only the slightest bump.
Swaying his hips, he walks confidently to the end of the catwalk, before stripping off his thong.
I observe calmly from the judge's box. I've seen many men like him. Overconfident men, who believe that just because their wife complains about them being too small, that they can actually compete.
The world is a competitive place, and there is no lack of men vying to win the honour of having the smallest penis, as judged by me.
Maybe in the town he comes from, he has the smallest penis, but in this big, bad world, he can't compare.
Shaking my head in disappointment, I write a small red X next to his name. Is this what we have been reduced to, I wonder. A world where men who are merely 'below average' can delude themselves into thinking they can win micropenis competitions. What happened to meritocracy?
I am stirred from my ruminations by the announcer calling our second finalist to the stage. This man is even larger and brawnier than the last one. He reminds me of that construction worker micropenis competition I sat in on a few years ago. Those were the days.
Not only is he taller than the last man, he's even more arrogant, and has even more swagger, as he walks right up to the edge of the catwalk, wearing nothing at all except his contestant's sash. The crowd is in a frenzy - - clearly, they love how small he is. But I'm not impressed. I can tell that he's a "grower" - - that, with some encouragement, he might even be as long as two inches. This is a travesty, it is a moral corruption of everything the MicroPenis competition stands for.
Not only is he a grower, but I see him momentarily scan the crowd until his eyes find the jury box, and he looks right at me and winks.
With a sigh, I roll my eyes, before marking a red X next to his name.
Only one more contestant. Let's hope this one has some promise.
The announcer calls the final contestant to the stage.
Right from the second this man walks into the limelight, I'm intrigued. He looks like someone kidnapped him from a corporate boardroom and brought him here. He's wearing business casuals and has none of that arrogant self-assurance I've come to expect from MicroPenis Models, but instead looks meek, lost, submissive and scared.
I love it. I hope he doesn't blow it. I really like this guy.
He walks to the edge of the catwalk. There is no swagger in his gait. He's nervous, he looks like he really feels out of place here, and the presence of the crowd seems to rob him of whatever self-possession he may have had.
At the end of the catwalk, he unzips his trousers, to reveal....nothing?
I have to do a double take, but eventually, I spot it. What I had assumed to be a birthmark on his groin, is actually his penis. It doesn't do justice to call it a penis though, it is so much more than that. To me, his penis is the purest Platonic archetype of a micropenis. When the ancients were drawing micropenises on cave walls, this is surely what they must have envisioned.
His nervousness, that most charming disposition, makes his micropenis shrink even further into his body until I can no longer bear it until I am almost sure his shrinking penis will invert itself and enter another dimension.
His micropenis is one for the ages, I realize. Right here, right now, I am watching history unfold. I feel so grateful to the universe for allowing me this opportunity.
Bending over my scoresheet, I award him full marks, and yet I know that this isn't enough. I stand up and say "Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a Winner".
The crowd erupts in maniacal applause. The sky lights up with fireworks. If there is a paradise on Earth, it is this, it is this, it is this.
